Saudade – ” Is a Portuguese or Galacian term for a feeling of nostalgic longing for something or someone that one was fond of and which has been lost . it often carries an fatalit tone and repressed knowledge that the object of longing might never really return . It was once described as the ” love that remains” or the love that stays after someone is gone . ”
Mothers day is here. Usually I would spend my day trying to feel happy while also feeling so sad , and abandoned and lonely and jealous.
But Not today.
I feel like i have been on some sort of weird journey to maturity .
So today I will reflect on my mother :
My mother , the ripped jeans wearing , david bowie loving thrifting maniac. The organic gardening gardener ( before it was a big thing ). The animal loving , crafting maniac she was. Although as tweenager I never asked for her advice , because as we know , tweens know everything , I did hear her giving advice often , to many people including my own friends. She had a way about her like she already knew everything or had a way around whatever boulder was in her or others way .
As a parent , I know , well think , she had the best intentions.
Her last words were written on a piece of paper. ” I love you , have a good life”
I can never imagine in my almost 15 years of being a parent could I ever leave knowing I would never see my family again with ” I love you have a good life ” .
I wish I had all these great things to say , but unfortunately as I tried to think of a nice little story to post with this little blog post I came up empty. I really cant think of a great story to tell of a specific time she did something wonderfully motherly.
Which should make me sad , and it did for a very long time until I realized it was the things after that made me feel more loved than when she was here on this planet.
Like when I was laying in my bed crying silently in so much pain because I could feel my heart breaking ( and even as i write this that feeling came back ) begging for a sign to know she was still here ,i looked at my bed and saw the shape of someone sleeping under the blankets – and I was terrified.
Or when I hear her favorite songs come on the radio , I feel like it is a reminder of ” I am still here ” .
Or when I see Hailie gardening and she is bent over sowing some seeds its like looking at my mother in her garden just for a moment until she stands up straight.
Sometimes its the cool breeze I feel on my shoulders , like right now .
Sometimes its the red cardinals I see in my yard.
And sometimes its when the most ridiculous things that I never thought in a million years could happen , happen . I feel like she has her spiritual hand in that .
I feel like all the bad things I have had happen in my life were a reminder to me that I did that to myself and had i done the right thing all good things would come to me.
Is this all a reality or something my mind does to soothe me? It doesn’t really matter to me anymore , because it does soothe me. It makes me feel less like my heart is breaking . It makes me try to remember fond moments or quirks. I think about my mom almost every day . I miss her , and there are some days I wish she was here to answer my questions or to help me when I feel so lost , and google can’t even help me .
I really believe that everyone is supposed to have a journey. Some people persevere. Some people falter. Some people just exist. Some people rely on another to validate them. Some people rely on only themselves.
I have been all of those people at one point in time and as surely as the sun sets every night I am sure I will be again. Hopefully through the ups and downs I still feel the quiet touches of my mother that make me feel like she may physically be gone , but spiritually she is right here.